Lilith (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
reflectedeve) wrote2019-03-06 12:48 pm
reflectedeve) wrote2019-03-06 12:48 pm
my road, it ain't your road
I can't believe it's only Wednesday ... this week is seriously running roughshod over me. Putting K on a plane after only a week back was much harder than I anticipated, the winter doldrums are really starting to take a toll, and my dad's much-belated response to last week's email, well. It could have been so much worse. But I'm sad.
Basically, he said he was happy I was happy, and that a loving partnership is something he and mom have wanted for both me and my brother very much. So ... that part's good, that's a start. But not once does he mention my partner as, you know, an actual person, or show any interest in them whatsoever. He's stilted and vague and makes some comments about how hard it is to "start over in your 40s or 50s" (this weird thing you're doing can never last!) and various other philosophical allusions to his ideas about (monogamous, natch) lifelong committed romantic relationships. The whole thing makes me feel alienated, which sucks, because I put a lot of work into making that email accessible to him and giving him specific details about K that he could relate to and find interesting (their profession and background are so up his alley).
I'm sad, because ... I grew up in a really close immediate family of origin, and I really want to be able to have authentic relationships with both my parents and my brother. We don't have to agree on everything or live in each others' pockets (please no), but I want them to know the important things about me and understand them, and be happy for me when I'm happy. But my father and I have always clashed, and for all that he's a highly intelligent, educated critical thinker, he is controlling and seems incapable of broadening his very narrow perspective in some areas.
And I think he cares about me very much, and he's worried that I'm going to get hurt. I understand that polyamory is a foreign concept. But his way of addressing that is so off-putting! And he's exhausting.
The best thing for me to do, from prior experience, will be to now try to relax and just ... talk openly and enthusiastically about my partner, my relationship, my metamours, etc. He's likely to slowly, slowly warm up to at least some of it. Trying to engage head-on with the underlying concepts, with my own beliefs about what relationships can be and how frustrating I find his attitude will only cause conflict and roadblocks.
It could be so, so much worse, but just. I tried so hard to be accessible, to connect. I just wanted him to be genuinely happy for me. Instead, this recent Captain Awkward post seems relevant to how I probably need to think about our relationship.
Just as well I have therapy today. Good timing, Dad.
On a brighter note, I'm having so much fun working on this post about prompting for fanart! It's also kind of turning into a survey of different things fanart can do, a general sort of appreciation post. I'm planning to link to all sorts of examples from different artists/fandoms to illustrate my points.
I'm worried that it might get a bit out of hand, actually. Would anyone like to look it over for me when I have a draft?
Basically, he said he was happy I was happy, and that a loving partnership is something he and mom have wanted for both me and my brother very much. So ... that part's good, that's a start. But not once does he mention my partner as, you know, an actual person, or show any interest in them whatsoever. He's stilted and vague and makes some comments about how hard it is to "start over in your 40s or 50s" (this weird thing you're doing can never last!) and various other philosophical allusions to his ideas about (monogamous, natch) lifelong committed romantic relationships. The whole thing makes me feel alienated, which sucks, because I put a lot of work into making that email accessible to him and giving him specific details about K that he could relate to and find interesting (their profession and background are so up his alley).
I'm sad, because ... I grew up in a really close immediate family of origin, and I really want to be able to have authentic relationships with both my parents and my brother. We don't have to agree on everything or live in each others' pockets (please no), but I want them to know the important things about me and understand them, and be happy for me when I'm happy. But my father and I have always clashed, and for all that he's a highly intelligent, educated critical thinker, he is controlling and seems incapable of broadening his very narrow perspective in some areas.
And I think he cares about me very much, and he's worried that I'm going to get hurt. I understand that polyamory is a foreign concept. But his way of addressing that is so off-putting! And he's exhausting.
The best thing for me to do, from prior experience, will be to now try to relax and just ... talk openly and enthusiastically about my partner, my relationship, my metamours, etc. He's likely to slowly, slowly warm up to at least some of it. Trying to engage head-on with the underlying concepts, with my own beliefs about what relationships can be and how frustrating I find his attitude will only cause conflict and roadblocks.
It could be so, so much worse, but just. I tried so hard to be accessible, to connect. I just wanted him to be genuinely happy for me. Instead, this recent Captain Awkward post seems relevant to how I probably need to think about our relationship.
Just as well I have therapy today. Good timing, Dad.
On a brighter note, I'm having so much fun working on this post about prompting for fanart! It's also kind of turning into a survey of different things fanart can do, a general sort of appreciation post. I'm planning to link to all sorts of examples from different artists/fandoms to illustrate my points.
I'm worried that it might get a bit out of hand, actually. Would anyone like to look it over for me when I have a draft?