do I believe in me?

[reflectedeve]

I've generally felt that I'm pretty lucky among trans and nonbinary folks, in that I haven't needed or wanted to change my (real) name, or at least not the version of it I already use with everyone I care about, and have for my entire life. It's relatively neutral, and I like it. Maybe people would have an easier time adjusting to new pronouns if they came with a new name, but ah well.

But my fandom names, the ones that have stuck for a good 15 years now, are Lilith and reflectedeve (occasionally Eve), and it's only striking me in the last year or so how confusing that is. Two very specific and powerful cultural symbols of womanhood! Good job, college me. But really, when I think about it, those choices largely came from an attraction to the idea of challenging norms and institutions, specifically around literature/religion (my academic subjects of choice), gender, and sexuality. So honestly, they still feel right, especially Lilith? (And also there's, you know, continuity and that. I've been Lilith since the very first year of Yuletide, jeez.) Ah well.

In other news, I am very upset that just as I've made a decision to back off fannish commitments again for a bit, I find out about this very intriguing xeno exchange for which nominations open tomorrow: close_encounters. It's so ME. :( Just look at that tentacle icon! Maybe I can grab a pinch-hit or make a treat ... anyway, if you're less overcommitted, check it out!

Also, and most excitingly, the chocolateboxcomm archive opened today! I have barely been able to look yet, BUT. I got two fabulous fanart gifts and I am so thoroughly pleased! <3

A Lesson In The Folly Library (Rivers of London, gen; Abigail, Varvara Sidorovna, Toby)
I have been wanting more fanart for these books so badly and this is a gorgeous mid-story sort of image with lovely background details and characterization. Fabulous and inspiring. Makes me want to go out and draw some in this fandom immediately, myself.

Austria, 1912 (X-Men, Mystique/Destiny)
SUPER cute shippy pin-up image of the two of them in the early days of their relationship, complete with lovingly-rendered period-appropriate outfits! Eeee so adorable!

Have I mentioned how happy I am that multi-media fan exchanges are becoming more common, even if they are still overwhelmingly fic-based? (I mean, I love fic, obviously. But I love ALL THE THINGS.) I am totally going to have to work on those guidelines/suggestions for prompting for fanart. At some point. Soon.

Comments

[lilacsigil]

Ooh, I really like both of those!

[ladyvean]

As someone who has not experienced life as a transgendered/genderfluid/nonbinary individual, I can only imagine how conflicted society must make you feel over something that most people view as inherently gendered - such as names. I hope my misgendering you in the past has not contributed to it. I think you are a remarkable person and artist. And while I miss seeing your gorgeous contributions to fandom (through art and writing), I can understand why you want to back off a bit. Wishing you all the best!

[reflectedeve]

Hey, no, you’re fine - as I recall, you didn’t know! And you were totally cool about it. I really get why my screen names might be confusing, and if I hadn’t been going by Lilith for a good sixteen years now, I might have considered renaming myself. But I’m attached, so really, it’s up to me to communicate this stuff. ;)

Also, you really are very sweet. I’m sorry that I haven’t been able to keep up the level of fannish production I was managing for awhile in DS9 fandom ... I’ve had a few bursts like that over the years when the fever really gets me, but more occasional artwork in a broader variety of fandoms is really my baseline. And I’m not going away, or giving up drawing Star Trek stuff! I just have a lot of different things to balance in life. I’m happy to be back in this style of platform, honestly ... I can be comfortably conversational without feeling guilty that I haven’t produced some ~artistic masterpiece~ in awhile.

[ladyvean]

Well, I'm glad you're not going anywhere, but please don't apologize to me or anyone else for not maintaining the proliferation of fanart. Your time is valuable and if you want to focus on original content, more power to you! I look forward to seeing whatever you come up with and reading all about what's going on with you. I should really do more personal blogging myself.